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Quotables from NBC’S ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien’

Earlier today, Madonna adopted a one-year-old African boy named David. Madonna named the boy David because that’s the African word for “Publicity Stunt.”

At a press conference yesterday, President Bush said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. The President said, “We can’t invade North Korea, they actually have weapons of mass destruction.”

A Congressional candidate is angry about how loose security is at the U.S.-Mexico border. So to prove his point, yesterday he snuck an elephant across the border. Immigration critics are furious because the Mexican elephant is already taking jobs away from American elephants.

This week in California, a pet-cloning company announced they’re going out of business. Experts say that every time a pet-cloning store is forced to close its doors, another little piece of small town America dies.

In a recent interview, Kevin Federline said he doesn’t think his wife Britney Spears should lose her pregnancy weight. Federline said, “I’m enough dead weight for both of us.”

Scientists in Sweden say that they have discovered homosexual behavior among bees. The homosexual bees don’t sting people, but they do make vicious remarks about their weight.

Disney executives are furious about an amateur video that’s been circulating that shows Minnie Mouse having sex. Disney executives were shocked and said: “This is the kind of thing we expect from that whore Cinderella.”

Yesterday, North Korea conducted a nuclear test, and the blast was so small that many scientists are saying it was a dud. Apparently, the nuclear bomb didn’t work well because it was made in Korea.

Earlier this week, a man named his newborn son “ESPN” because one of the man’s favorite things to watch is ESPN. The baby is happy, healthy and already home with his brother “Porn.”

Several Burger King employees face charges because they cooked marijuana into hamburgers and served them to a couple of police officers. The employees describe the burger as a “really Happy Meal.”

The U.S. Army announced this week that in order to help recruitment they are raising the weight limit for female soldiers. They’re also changing their slogan to “The Army: Now With More Junk in the Trunk.”

It’s been reported that since he broke up with Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown has been spending most of his free time with Mike Tyson. Remember guys: Women come and go, but your ear-biting maniac friends will always be there for you.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have reportedly patched up their feud by having dinner at a restaurant together. Nicole had the house salad and Paris had the waiter and three busboys.

This weekend, Korean dictator Kim Jong Il defied the United States and tested a nuclear weapon. President Bush responded to Kim Jong Il with a formal letter of protest that begins, “Dear Kimberly…”

MySpace.com said it is launching a voter registration page targeting young adults. Sadly, the only person the MySpace page has attracted so far is former Congressman Mark Foley.

Scientists in Colombia have announced that they’ve discovered an entirely new species of bird. Colombian officials are excited to name the bird, study its habits and then grind it up into some kind of drug.

The other day, “Sesame Street” announced that they are coming out with a special version of the show for Afghanistan. During the first episode, the Afghani Muppets wage a jihad on “SpongeBob.”

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