Quotables from NBC’S ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien’

O Brein

Earlier today, Madonna adopted a one-year-old African boy named David. Madonna named the boy David because that’s the African word for “Publicity Stunt.”

At a press conference yesterday, President Bush said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. The President said, “We can’t invade North Korea, they actually have weapons of mass destruction.”

A Congressional candidate is angry about how loose security is at the U.S.-Mexico border. So to prove his point, yesterday he snuck an elephant across the border. Immigration critics are furious because the Mexican elephant is already taking jobs away from American elephants.

This week in California, a pet-cloning company announced they’re going out of business. Experts say that every time a pet-cloning store is forced to close its doors, another little piece of small town America dies.

In a recent interview, Kevin Federline said he doesn’t think his wife Britney Spears should lose her pregnancy weight. Federline said, “I’m enough dead weight for both of us.”

Scientists in Sweden say that they have discovered homosexual behavior among bees. The homosexual bees don’t sting people, but they do make vicious remarks about their weight.

Disney executives are furious about an amateur video that’s been circulating that shows Minnie Mouse having sex. Disney executives were shocked and said: “This is the kind of thing we expect from that whore Cinderella.”

Yesterday, North Korea conducted a nuclear test, and the blast was so small that many scientists are saying it was a dud. Apparently, the nuclear bomb didn’t work well because it was made in Korea.

Earlier this week, a man named his newborn son “ESPN” because one of the man’s favorite things to watch is ESPN. The baby is happy, healthy and already home with his brother “Porn.”

Several Burger King employees face charges because they cooked marijuana into hamburgers and served them to a couple of police officers. The employees describe the burger as a “really Happy Meal.”

The U.S. Army announced this week that in order to help recruitment they are raising the weight limit for female soldiers. They’re also changing their slogan to “The Army: Now With More Junk in the Trunk.”

It’s been reported that since he broke up with Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown has been spending most of his free time with Mike Tyson. Remember guys: Women come and go, but your ear-biting maniac friends will always be there for you.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have reportedly patched up their feud by having dinner at a restaurant together. Nicole had the house salad and Paris had the waiter and three busboys.

This weekend, Korean dictator Kim Jong Il defied the United States and tested a nuclear weapon. President Bush responded to Kim Jong Il with a formal letter of protest that begins, “Dear Kimberly…”

MySpace.com said it is launching a voter registration page targeting young adults. Sadly, the only person the MySpace page has attracted so far is former Congressman Mark Foley.

Scientists in Colombia have announced that they’ve discovered an entirely new species of bird. Colombian officials are excited to name the bird, study its habits and then grind it up into some kind of drug.

The other day, “Sesame Street” announced that they are coming out with a special version of the show for Afghanistan. During the first episode, the Afghani Muppets wage a jihad on “SpongeBob.”

The Book of Daniel: Controversial Show Premieres

The Book of Daniel

A provocative, edgy and compelling new drama, “The Book of Daniel” stars Emmy nominee Aidan Quinn (“An Early Frost,” “Plainsong,” “Legends of the Fall”) as Reverend Daniel Webster, an unconventional Episcopalian minister who not only believes in Jesus – he actually sees him and discusses life with him.

The limited series premieres on Friday, Jan. 6 at 9-11 p.m. with two back-two-back episodes; returning the following week (Jan. 16) at its regularly scheduled time, Fridays at 10-11 p.m. on NBC 26.

Webster is challenged on many levels as he struggles to be a good husband, father and minister, while navigating an often rocky relationship with the church hierarchy, led by Bishop Beatrice Congreve (Oscar winner Ellen Burstyn, “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore,” “Requiem of a Dream”) and Roger Paxton, a senior warden of the parish and stalwart churchgoer (Dylan Baker, “Kinsey,” “Happiness”).

The Reverend also has loving, but challenging relationships with his three children: Peter (Christian Campbell, “Trick”), his 23-year-old gay son, struggling with the loss of his twin brother; his 16-year-old daughter Grace (Alison Pill, “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen”), a talented Manga artist dealing with typical teenage angst; and Adam (Ivan Shaw, “All My Children”), his 16-year-old adopted Chinese son, a handsome and cocky high school jock with a wicked sense of humor.

Keeping Webster grounded is his strong, loving wife Judith (Susanna Thompson, “Once and Again”) – who is also coming to terms with the loss of her son and her own future and ambitions now that her children are nearly grown – and Jesus (Garret Dillahunt, “Deadwood”), his best friend and confidante who serves as a sounding board and encourages Webster to find the answers to his questions within himself.

Creator Jack Kenny (“Titus”), Flody Suarez (“8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter,” “The Tick”) and John Tinker (“The Practice,” “Chicago Hope”) are the executive producers of this production from NBC Universal Television Studio and Sony Pictures Television.

NBC Names New Red Team Trainer Kim Lyons To Weigh-In On Hit Reality Show ‘THE BIGGEST LOSER’

Red Team Trainer Kim Lyons

Fitness competitor, trainer and nutritionist Kim Lyons joins NBC’s hit reality show “The Biggest Loser” as the Red Team trainer in the weight-loss series that has started filming its third season.

“We are thrilled to have Kim join ‘The Biggest Loser’ team. We believe that her expertise in fitness and nutrition is synonymous with what ‘The Biggest Loser’ is all about.” said Ben Silverman, executive producer and Reveille CEO.

Lyons has been an expert in the fitness industry for a little over a decade. She graduated from Colorado State University with a degree in human development and nutrition in 1995. Following graduation, Lyons took a more serious approach to weight training by teaching aerobic classes and getting certifications with the National Academy of Sports Medicine for personal training and nutrition.

In 2000, Lyons segued into fitness competitions and won numerous contests nationally and internationally. Her mission has always been to excel in motivating others to achieve their goals in the fitness arena. Armed with her positive attitude, Lyons strives to find a way to make fitness fun and achievable for her clients. In addition, she has also become one of the fitness industry’s most photographed models, appearing on more than 30 covers worldwide.

The first reality series in which everybody “loses,” “The Biggest Loser” challenges and encourages overweight participants to undergo radical physical makeovers, without any kind of surgery, in a safe and recommended manner through comprehensive diet and exercise as they complete for a grand prize of $250,000. The series has become a worldwide hit airing in over 35 territories and 15 countries.

“The Biggest Loser” returns THIS FALL to NBC!